Christmas

I wrote this a couple of years ago and I thought it was appropriate to share after our Christmas miracle… a reminder to all, that He lives and our Father in Heaven knows each one of us and He hears and answers our prayers.

Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas? This song sung by Faith Hill for the movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" embodies how I have felt for the last few years about the coming holiday season. I have wondered and search for that "Christmas"-sy feeling. Yes, I would listen to the songs on the radio and I looked forward so much more to Sundays when I could think of Jesus Christ and sing those hymns that commemorated His birth, but that was it… that feeling stayed only with me on Sundays. I know that it should be with me everyday, but with all the hype and commercialism, all the "things I have got to do", kids' parties at school, presents to get… I was easily sucked into the temporal joys and wants. I had forgotten the true meaning of Christmas… until now.

We, Teancum (my husband) and I, are here by ourselves in the D.C. area. We are here because my husband is part of the Department of Defense Bone Marrow Program. He joined this program several years ago while we were living in Connecticut. He was a match for a couple of people prior to this but could not go because of the boat's (submarine) schedule. He was a match this time and was called at the beginning of November. He went for pre-testing and some laboratory work two days before Thanksgiving. When he got back, I anxiously asked him when were they wanting do this extraction since the holidays were coming. He said that he was informed by the end of this year. And my heart was not excited for him; it was deflated, because I was selfishly thinking of all that had to be done with the coming holiday, the decorating the house and the tree, parties and pageants for kids, and getting myself a little bit more organized with getting Christmas cards out. He then informed me that he would like for me to accompany him since that is what was recommended. A free trip to the DC area with no kids!!???!! Of course, my first reaction was to jump at it and say yes, but then reality sank in….who was going to watch my kids, taxi them around to and from school, and bring them to their diverse activities? I really couldn't ask my mom since she was still in Japan and would be taking off again for another trip before Christmas. I couldn't ask my mother-in-law to fly up because she didn't have a military identification to get her on and off the base. As the panic was about to settle in, I looked at my husband and knew that this is what was going to be done and that everything would be all right. How did he know? I don't know but I know that he knew that this is what he wanted to do for somebody else, a 39 year old woman who had chronic leukemia. Then, names of people we could ask started coming to my mind and I started asking. Before I knew it, I had three families willing to take all my kids for the 6 days that we would be gone; three families willing to give of their time and rearrange their schedules to help accommodate my children's needs. It was like Heavenly Father put His hand into my planning and said "let me help". Well, why not Him? He is the Master Coordinator of our lives and of our universe.

As we are at the end of trip and the extraction was done today, sleep eludes me so that I can write these words down. The true meaning of Christmas is giving:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever shall believe in him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

He gave His only Begotten Son so that we can live forever in His presence. My husband gave a part of him so that someone could live their life to the fullest. My friends gave of their time and shared their homes and their families so that we could be together to do this. Giving selflessly with love is the true meaning of Christmas.

Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter you used to bring me?

Why can't I hear the music play?

 

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

 

Where are you Christmas?

Do you remember?

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what time's has done

Is that why you have let me go?

 

Christmas is here, everywhere

Christmas is here if you care

 

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

 

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

 

Where are you Christmas?

Fill your heart with love.

I remember when I was 18, telling or rather yelling at my dad, my papa, after he told me to learn from him....learn from his mistakes, that how could I ever learn from his mistakes or his experiences because they were not mine?!!? Now, years later, I think of those words and with some regret wished that I would have listened to him. However, I know now that I am who I am today because of my experiences and my past and I am grateful to my father for giving me those words of wisdom.

I have thought of my father a lot these past couple of weeks as we have been on our Grand SW Adventure. I guess his words and face have haunted my thoughts as soon as I saw my older siblings in CO. I even had a dream about him, and that has never happened before. I think because it is close to 4th of July, seeing old friends and family, being around strong men that were from that Great Generation and then talking with my friend, Matt, about him, has made me realized that I need to do something.... I need to write down my memories of him and of his life. Oh, my father had an amazing life stretching from the first world war through a depression, surviving a death march and then torturous Japanese. Then, marrying a Japanese woman and surviving 2 more girls on top of all that!! Can you tell that I miss him? Yet I know that he is near, perching maybe on a cloud with my babies, waiting and laughing and praying, as he watches over me with our Father in Heaven, sometimes quite possibly shaking his head in disbelief and muttering something in tagalog..."Inako"... Waiting ever waiting as I learn from my own experiences.

The truth will set you free....

Truth....honor.....integrity...... All words that are positive yet sometimes hard to live by. However, when you do, and when someone decides to attack your truth, your honor and your integrity, for their own selfish desires, then it is comforting to know that these words are truly an armor which will protect. Because of this protection, others with those same core values will rally you and uphold you during your unbearable hardship and bear your burdens with you. I am so grateful for this truth and this belief.... I know that I am not a perfect person, but I do know that I strive to live these values. I am grateful for those around me that have defended me and hopefully continue to defend me as I and as we all try and live these core values....yes.... the truth will set you free.....

Heart is hurting...

Just when you think that all is good in your life.....

When you think you are learning how to balance what is right with what makes you the happiest, a monkey wrench gets blown in, and helps you to reevaluate those wants and needs. This is NOT the easiest thing for me to go through nor is it the first time. You would think by now that I would have learned the first 2 times and kept my heart and soul guarded, but I think I was craving it and I believe I enjoyed the adventure while it lasted.... Yet, right now, RIGHT NOW, my heart is BREAKING.... the more stuff that comes out the more my stomach aches and my heart yearns for protection. Yet it all boils down to this.... "it is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

Clutter

Hello....my name is Audra....and I am a clutterer. Ever since I was little, it was like pulling teeth for my parents in making me clean my room. Once in a blue moon was it ever spotless....and I mean once in a blue moon. I believe my dad was a clutterer too. Yes, I believe like any disease, cluttering is hereditary. (Insert snarkiness) However, I may be a clutterer, and although during childhood a budding hoarder, I have kicked the habit of hoarding and have just been a clutterer throughout my adult life. My question is though, do you think that cluttering and hoarding reflect on one's emotional well being?

I know that I am a clutterer, but I can let go of things that are unimportant, things that are easily replaced, or things that are broken. When I say let go, I also mean emotionally "let go". I inventory my emotions or relationships on a daily basis and "let go" of the ones that are not important in my life at that moment. I cherish the ones who have left an imprint on my heart and my life, like keepsakes and jewelry that I have cherished. Then, there are the hoarders....those who just can't let go of things and/or emotions. Or, as I have discovered as of late, there are those who do a clean sweep of physical things and hoard their emotions, memories, or grudges like they were keeping a cluttered atticful of baggage. Then, there are those who are as neat as a pin, but unlike the clean sweepers, have a deep sense of what and of whom to cherish and build their lives around those things and people, enriching and inspiring those around them.

I, as a clutterer, am learning what to give up and what to cherish, both in my heart and in physical things. I, as a clutterer, cherish the memories that I have of my children, of certain outfits that each of my girls have worn; of a baby blanket that was gifted to me for our first one that was hand made in the Holy Land; of the look on my contented baby's face as she smiles in her sleep. I, as a clutterer, have learned to throw away the garbage, the grudges, and the negativity. I, as a clutterer, will one day achieve the deep sense and security of the importance of this life. And despite the sometimes clutter, I hope I will inspire others and enrich their lives to be the type of person that will always be proud to stand up amongst the many witnesses with their looks of shock, their disbelief and dismay, and proudly say, "Hi, my name is Audra, and I am a clutterer."

I am NOT the mama!!!!

When my children get older and start having families of their own, will I be the mama that my mom is to me now? Please, if I can break the vicious cycle, I will.....for this is my vow: I will not be the mother that reminds their grown up kids to go to bed when they know that they have to get up for work or families. I will not be the mother that will remind their grown up children to brush their teeth or wash their faces or even shower or bathe, because if they want to make a bad impression because of their appearances and don't get the job of their dreams or the girl/guy of their dreams, then let them bear the consequences of their choices. I hope that I will have been a good enough parent that I will not have to remind them of these things. That they will have conditioned themselves to go to bed at a decent hour and if they don't, that they will suffer the consequences in their sleep deprived state the next day and learn from their mistakes. I guess there is the operative word....learning....which also means growing from our mistakes and bad choices. AHHHH....adversity is the spice of life and allows us these "learning" opportunities.....now off to bed for me....LOL

Pet peeves and Angel wings

There are certain phrases and words that I have conditioned myself from childhood from my own parents and hopefully, have passed down to my children to not to use in their daily conversations. These are my pet peeves. When a person says to me that "I just don't understand" when I am trying to understand through questions and other statements throughout the conversation, yet they still insist that "I just don't understand" then PLEASE stop me from continuing our conversation and investing my time and effort in our relationship if I am never going to understand you or your situation. If I didn't want to understand, I wouldn't bother with you or your crumby situation. Furthermore, when a person who is in a new situation and understandably scared, deals with that situation with the words "I can't". What do you mean you can't? Have you even attempted to try whatever new that comes your way? Quit making excuses, dammit, and just do it!

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." FDR

Angels exist in everywhere, everything and everyone. I believe that more during these last few weeks. I believe that the miracles that they have wrought and will bring to my life and my family's life "are the small little coincidences where God wants to remain anonymous." (Sis. Taylor, mission president's wife) Angel touches and kisses are revealed to me through my children by the way they speak to one another and how they inspire others to do well, including myself. They reveal themselves through friends who pull off the impossible....

"Impossible... for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage; Impossible.... for a plain country bumpkin to join a prince in marriage; and four white mice will never be four white horses; such falderall and fiddledeedee of courses; Impossible...but the world is full of zanies and fools; who don't believe in sensible rules and won't believe what sensible people say; and because these dapped and dewy-eyed dopes keep building up impossible hopes impossible things are happening everyday" Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella

Sensible people who are my dear friends who continue to build my hopes that impossible things are happening every day. I truly have seen it today and hope and pray that I will be privileged in continuing and participating in these impossible events which all will and have become POSSIBLE.