Clutter

Hello....my name is Audra....and I am a clutterer. Ever since I was little, it was like pulling teeth for my parents in making me clean my room. Once in a blue moon was it ever spotless....and I mean once in a blue moon. I believe my dad was a clutterer too. Yes, I believe like any disease, cluttering is hereditary. (Insert snarkiness) However, I may be a clutterer, and although during childhood a budding hoarder, I have kicked the habit of hoarding and have just been a clutterer throughout my adult life. My question is though, do you think that cluttering and hoarding reflect on one's emotional well being?

I know that I am a clutterer, but I can let go of things that are unimportant, things that are easily replaced, or things that are broken. When I say let go, I also mean emotionally "let go". I inventory my emotions or relationships on a daily basis and "let go" of the ones that are not important in my life at that moment. I cherish the ones who have left an imprint on my heart and my life, like keepsakes and jewelry that I have cherished. Then, there are the hoarders....those who just can't let go of things and/or emotions. Or, as I have discovered as of late, there are those who do a clean sweep of physical things and hoard their emotions, memories, or grudges like they were keeping a cluttered atticful of baggage. Then, there are those who are as neat as a pin, but unlike the clean sweepers, have a deep sense of what and of whom to cherish and build their lives around those things and people, enriching and inspiring those around them.

I, as a clutterer, am learning what to give up and what to cherish, both in my heart and in physical things. I, as a clutterer, cherish the memories that I have of my children, of certain outfits that each of my girls have worn; of a baby blanket that was gifted to me for our first one that was hand made in the Holy Land; of the look on my contented baby's face as she smiles in her sleep. I, as a clutterer, have learned to throw away the garbage, the grudges, and the negativity. I, as a clutterer, will one day achieve the deep sense and security of the importance of this life. And despite the sometimes clutter, I hope I will inspire others and enrich their lives to be the type of person that will always be proud to stand up amongst the many witnesses with their looks of shock, their disbelief and dismay, and proudly say, "Hi, my name is Audra, and I am a clutterer."

I am NOT the mama!!!!

When my children get older and start having families of their own, will I be the mama that my mom is to me now? Please, if I can break the vicious cycle, I will.....for this is my vow: I will not be the mother that reminds their grown up kids to go to bed when they know that they have to get up for work or families. I will not be the mother that will remind their grown up children to brush their teeth or wash their faces or even shower or bathe, because if they want to make a bad impression because of their appearances and don't get the job of their dreams or the girl/guy of their dreams, then let them bear the consequences of their choices. I hope that I will have been a good enough parent that I will not have to remind them of these things. That they will have conditioned themselves to go to bed at a decent hour and if they don't, that they will suffer the consequences in their sleep deprived state the next day and learn from their mistakes. I guess there is the operative word....learning....which also means growing from our mistakes and bad choices. AHHHH....adversity is the spice of life and allows us these "learning" opportunities.....now off to bed for me....LOL

Pet peeves and Angel wings

There are certain phrases and words that I have conditioned myself from childhood from my own parents and hopefully, have passed down to my children to not to use in their daily conversations. These are my pet peeves. When a person says to me that "I just don't understand" when I am trying to understand through questions and other statements throughout the conversation, yet they still insist that "I just don't understand" then PLEASE stop me from continuing our conversation and investing my time and effort in our relationship if I am never going to understand you or your situation. If I didn't want to understand, I wouldn't bother with you or your crumby situation. Furthermore, when a person who is in a new situation and understandably scared, deals with that situation with the words "I can't". What do you mean you can't? Have you even attempted to try whatever new that comes your way? Quit making excuses, dammit, and just do it!

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." FDR

Angels exist in everywhere, everything and everyone. I believe that more during these last few weeks. I believe that the miracles that they have wrought and will bring to my life and my family's life "are the small little coincidences where God wants to remain anonymous." (Sis. Taylor, mission president's wife) Angel touches and kisses are revealed to me through my children by the way they speak to one another and how they inspire others to do well, including myself. They reveal themselves through friends who pull off the impossible....

"Impossible... for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage; Impossible.... for a plain country bumpkin to join a prince in marriage; and four white mice will never be four white horses; such falderall and fiddledeedee of courses; Impossible...but the world is full of zanies and fools; who don't believe in sensible rules and won't believe what sensible people say; and because these dapped and dewy-eyed dopes keep building up impossible hopes impossible things are happening everyday" Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella

Sensible people who are my dear friends who continue to build my hopes that impossible things are happening every day. I truly have seen it today and hope and pray that I will be privileged in continuing and participating in these impossible events which all will and have become POSSIBLE.

I will always remember.....

This is a picture of my oldest, Tjoe's class trip to a tour on the USS John C. Stennis and here they are on the deck. This is how I will commemorate this day, like another day that "will live in infamy", with this picture and these thoughts. Do you remember where you were when that first plane hit the first tower? Do you remember what you were doing? I will never forget that day.

It was a beautiful sunny day in Groton, CT. Teancum, my husband, just left for a scheduled underway aboard the USS Toledo earlier that morning. I had left Marin and Tjoe in the loving hands of one of my best friends, Yaya while I attended classes at a local community college. The first hour passed uneventfully until our first class break. A fellow student who had just been in the cafeteria walked briskly in the classroom telling us that New York City was under attacked according to the cafeteria workers. I thought he was joking, and he assured us that it was not a joke; that the cafeteria workers had the television or radio on in their work area. I started to panic a little and wanted to get home. Into my second class of the morning, the officials at the school decided to cancel classes for the rest of the day. I called Yaya to come get me. When she came, I immediately turned on the radio. The terrible news that was relayed earlier was confirmed through reports by the deejays. I was amazed and shocked. As I drove home on that sunny day, I thought of the irony of it all. How could it be so beautiful and calming outside here in CT just a 100 miles away from NYC where chaos was ensuing and changing lives forever? As we got back to my house, I immediately turned on the TV to the news. Another friend came over with her young ones. As we watched the atrocities happening on TV, we cried and I was praying with gratitude that Teancum was not in port and for once, I was grateful for NOT knowing where he was. In the days ensuing, I cried for such injustice and the loss of so many lives. I cried for those children that would grow up without their loved ones. I found comfort in a surprising place. I turned to my father. Growing up, our relationship dwindled with lack of faith in one another. And although I idolized and feared him, it wasn't until I was married and with children of my own, did we try to rebuild that precious relationship between father and daughter. He knew what going to war meant. He was an ex-POW of the Japanese in World War II. He was part of the greatest generation. His words over the phone comforted me as he bolstered my breaking heart. He encouraged me to be strong, especially for my children. A special broadcast from our then President and Prophet of our Church, Gordon B. Hinkley, helped my soul too. I will never forget that day. I will never forget what I was doing. We are currently at war NOT because of oil or profit, but for those lives that were lost that day eight years ago. I will never forget the sacrifice individuals and even their families gave for others, like those who have served in wars past, their selflessness will always be honored in my heart and in the hearst of my children for I shall never forget.

Frustrated!!!!

I am frustrated and my solace is eating my king size Hershey Milk Chocolate bar......with my diet soda....LOL....what a contradiction!!!!
Please, (rhetorical question ensuing....) tell me why people are so quick to take offense.... I know that when I was younger, and I think very immature, I took offense to everything: from people making fun of my ethnicity which is Japanese and Filipino to whatever. Until I was in the Missionary Training Center and I had an instructor who left me with these words of wisdom,

"A fool takes offense when none is attended; a greater fool takes offense when offense IS intended." Elaine L. Jack, former General RS President

So that being said, I feel that statement is very humbling. I know that when I was pregnant and of course, post pregnancy this past few months, I may have said or done things that have offended people and I HATE to blame it on hormones, but I can honestly say that it was the hormonal imbalance. I believe that everyone is dealing with things that not all of us are aware of and we cannot and should not judge or jump to conclusion or take offense. So, that being said, I am letting it go. It is done and tomorrow is a new day.....and HOORAY for chocolate!!!!

The purpose of this blog....

The purpose of this blog if you have not yet guessed is to share my thoughts and perhaps stories and excerpts of my crazy life with my kids and husband. I will not be sharing names of friends or family members. If I do refer to them, I will NOT be using their full names, just initials.... This blog will be my online journal to vent and to share, not to gossip or demean. However, if I do digress, because I am human and I find myself start doing those things, I hope that I can self edit myself and others...thank goodness for the edit button....LOL

Insomnia....

I wonder sometimes if insomnia is genetic....mmmm....Papa couldn't sleep; Aunt Betty couldn't sleep.....all these thoughts running through my head of what needs to be done for PTA tomorrow. I have been neglecting my housekeeping....well let's be honest.... who likes to do housekeeping...???... when going shopping with your friends is the other alternative??? The other thoughts are of course, what I want to be when I grow up. LOL... almost 40 years old and I still don't know what I want to do, besides be a good mom to my kids. Sometimes, as I watch the Food Network that I may want to learn how to cook better or then I watch HGTV and think I could be a real estate agent. I need to decide what my passion is and run with it. I know that I love music, but is that really my passion?? But I also love working with people in producing events. AUGH!!!! I hate indecisiveness!!!

My first blog

So, I have finally succumbed and joined the ranks of bloggers.... I guess this is my way of sharing my feelings and thoughts with the world and somehow journalling at the same time. My name is Audra and I am 39 year old mother of 5... yes, 5 adorable, sometimes devilish, children. My life has almost fallen into the stereotype of the stay at home mom. Yes, I drive a mini-van. Yes, I have 2 kids playing soccer. Yes, I belong to PTA. So, yes, "in the meantime", this is my life. Yet, I am grateful for my life and I am truly happy. I may not be the most patient person nor the most organized, despite all these imperfections, I am happy.